Ya know I use to want to make everything perfect for everyone. I use to care about what people said and did and how my actions made them feel. Then I thought that I was some cold hearted prick who just lied to himself to make him feel better. I thought that I felt comfortable with my actions and myself enough to have no remorse for the things that I do. And now I realize that I do feel bad. But not for the things I do and how it makes people feel. But that I feel bad of the fact that I don’t feel bad most of the time….contradicting isn’t it. I mean I know that some of the things i say and do are fucked up but It doesn’t bother me and I know it should. So i feel bad because In reality I just don’t. I feel as if everyone in this world is just a piece of shit and in the end doesn’t give a shit about anyone else. I believe that I have met 3 people in this world who wouldn’t throw me under the bus to “save” themselves. I don’t know why im bitching because i know some people don’t have any. But its the ratio that bothers me. Out of all the people I actually really know who call me a friend only 3 wouldn’t totally fuck me. Im not a saint and i never claim to be. And I might be rude and mean and do things to piss people off, but I don’t throw people underthe bus to save myself. I don’t turn my back on friends and dip out. I might stand back and watch from a distance but im still there. Sometimes I wish I could go back before I started to just say fuck it imma do it my way. Maybe I would be different then the man I am becoming. Maybe I would be a nicer person. Maybe I would be married with a kid. Who knows. Who doesn’t wish they could change things. I just get older and see that things don’t really change much the older People get and are. A 16 yr old girl has just as much of a fucked up life as a 40 yr old man. the only difference is the older  you get the more you hav eto lose. The more your world will crumble and fall.