Ya know I use to want to make everything perfect for everyone. I use to care about what people said and did and how my actions made them feel. Then I thought that I was some cold hearted prick who just lied to himself to make him feel better. I thought that I felt comfortable with my actions and myself enough to have no remorse for the things that I do. And now I realize that I do feel bad. But not for the things I do and how it makes people feel. But that I feel bad of the fact that I don’t feel bad most of the time….contradicting isn’t it. I mean I know that some of the things i say and do are fucked up but It doesn’t bother me and I know it should. So i feel bad because In reality I just don’t. I feel as if everyone in this world is just a piece of shit and in the end doesn’t give a shit about anyone else. I believe that I have met 3 people in this world who wouldn’t throw me under the bus to “save” themselves. I don’t know why im bitching because i know some people don’t have any. But its the ratio that bothers me. Out of all the people I actually really know who call me a friend only 3 wouldn’t totally fuck me. Im not a saint and i never claim to be. And I might be rude and mean and do things to piss people off, but I don’t throw people underthe bus to save myself. I don’t turn my back on friends and dip out. I might stand back and watch from a distance but im still there. Sometimes I wish I could go back before I started to just say fuck it imma do it my way. Maybe I would be different then the man I am becoming. Maybe I would be a nicer person. Maybe I would be married with a kid. Who knows. Who doesn’t wish they could change things. I just get older and see that things don’t really change much the older People get and are. A 16 yr old girl has just as much of a fucked up life as a 40 yr old man. the only difference is the older  you get the more you hav eto lose. The more your world will crumble and fall.

I have been alone the past 3 days in this hotel alot of time to think about everything I have done these past couple years. And I have worked so hard to “start new”. But in reality I feel like I kind of just went in a circle and ended up going nowhere. Im in Canada with prettymuch no money and no car and im stranded. I think I can last one more day in this hotel but who knows. I miss some of my friends and  I wish i could take back the things that I have said. But I feel like they were for the best but im starting to be confused. Was it best for them or me?

I highely doubt that people actually give a fuck about what goes on iin my day but if they do eh here is what i am thinking. I think its time to go through my list of friends and start dropping people. I have the hardest time trying to let go of friends but I think its for the best. Im not sure who i can trust anymore. I don’t even know who I can actually talk to. I don’t have the patience or the time to care anymore about people who truely aren’t my friends. Life is short and I want to spend it with  those who really care about me. I want people around me who are actually going to be successful. I have a big mouth i get it i know. I guess I just trust people too much and give them the benefit of the doubt. But maybe I should start to think smarter now. Stop overlooking what people do”in the norm” instead of assuming that there an exception the the “rule” the rule of patterns and life.

holy fucking shit. I don’t understand how people do that same shit over and over and over and never learn from it the first,second,third, or fourth time. Yea people change….when they are ready and serious about changing. and even then it takes time and it take maturity. it is hard to break patterns in a person especially patterns that they have learned to survive. like manipulating people who are mentally weaker than they are. For example….little boy has a bad childhood. little boy is beaten….little boy is verbally abused…little boy grows up with the ability to tell people what they want to hear so that they are “nice” to him. little boy means the things that he says at the time that he says them but in the long run….they are just words….that mean nothing…..

So today was pretty eventful I watched a bunch of people do yard work then had to stand in front of the Major and hear him complain about how people aren’t doing there job lol. Then the weird think happened. I downloaded the Juno Soundtrack and there is only one person the Juno soundtrack reminds me of and only one person I know that likes to listen to it lol I was driving in my car with someone today and poped the soundtrack in and the person with me lit up with a huge smile and yelled I LOVE THIS MOVIE and started singing along. Instantly I thought of my friend from back home and I almost got teary eyed. I got ahold of myself and she didn’t notice my reaction so I just smiled and kept on driving. I almost felt a little bit of comfort but Im not sure how I actually feel.

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed